Confessions of a Self-Diagnosed Perfectionist Mother

First things first - I confess that almost every part of me wants life to be perfect.  Not just LOOK perfect, but actually be perfect.  On the outside, on the inside, in the superficial thoughts, the authentic moments, and even mundane details of life.  I blame it on my Specialist character traits, but that only justifies the near-obsession with excellence.  Unraveling this compulsion has been interesting - namely the conversations with my husband over the past 6 years where he stares at me blankly when I explain that there HAS to be a BEST answer/solution to whatever decision we're trying to make, and that settling for less than the BEST would be ridiculous.  Needless to say, he disagrees.

Perfectionist motherhood has a tendency to rear it's ugly head at the least expected times.  For example, Robert and I had plans with friends to go to a concert on Halloween.  Knowing that Davis would have a babysitter, and we're not tight with people in our neighborhood anyway, we knew he wouldn't be trick-or-treating.  And to be honest, I don't love Halloween, but that's a whole other post of it's own.  No need for a costume, right?  Not that easy my friends.  Instead, for the last month I've been having a battle in my mind about whether or not I was being a good GREAT mother by letting the holiday slide by.  Was I being selfish?  What would other people think?  Would I be embarrassed on November 1 when I didn't have pictures to post on Facebook (again, this could be about 10 posts)?  Would Davis look back on photo albums and ask where his second Halloween costume was?

I realize that most people reading this are probably responding one of a few ways:

• "Seriously, doesn't she have other things to worry about?"
• "Do people really spend this much time thinking about such minuscule details of life?"
• "Is it really that big of a deal?"

And as ridiculous as it sounds - YES, to all of the above.  Because to me, for some reason, I do worry about it, I spend way too much time thinking about it, and it is a big deal.  In sorting through those thoughts, I've come to realize something...  

I worry/fret/obsess because I DO want the absolute BEST for our son.  

And yes, there's a part of me that knows that a stressed out mother is good for no one, so I pray that in the midst of my crazy, the Lord is using the way that He uniquely created me to love our son in the best way I can.  There is no doubt that I'm wired this way for a reason, but there's also no doubt that I am called to be dependent on Jesus in living a full life - the life I was meant for.  So as I sort through my calling as a mother, I know that holding tension is important - trusting in how I'm made and trusting that the Lord both reveals and redeems through me.  Does it mean I'm going to have insane monologues in my head about making halloween costumes?  Probably.  Absolutely.  But I'm confident that those monologues will bring me to trust in my Creator and my life as His creation.  

When Robert and I were engaged I experienced a bit of clarity in our extreme differences and calling to each other.  This was no doubt a gift from the Lord, and has shaped much of my thinking of both physical relationships, but my spiritual relationship as well.  Picture two people standing on different ends of a spectrum.  And because I've been involved with Young Life for over 15 years, I naturally think of them holding a tug-o-war rope, each with an anchor attached to them, holding them back on their side of the spectrum.  There is constant pulling, hoping that the other will come over to their way of seeing things.  The area in the middle gets all muddied up, because it's hard work to hold your ground.  Unfortunately, when someone wins a tug-o-war, there is a clear loser, usually sitting on their bum in a pile of mud.  Clearly not what one desires for their spouse.  So I had to throw out the rope and start thinking like this.  What if we both moved toward the mud?  Yes, we're choosing to move toward mess, but we're doing that with the desire to pursue each other.  Moving closer to each other, we both step out of our ME or MY WAY comfort zones, and start to really consider the other's perspective.  This requires TRUST, both of our spouse, and the One who called us together.  And I think this may be one of the most important aspects of marriage.  I call it the Divine Intersection - the area where we're choosing to trust God and our spouse more than our way of looking at life.

Why would I tell you all of this?  Well, because even though Robert internally asks all of those questions above about my level of crazy, but he still chooses to try to understand why I feel the need to be a perfectionist mom.  And his desire to understand me pulls me out of my extremes and into a place where I ask whether I'm trusting the Lord and trusting Robert.  And I think that's good for my heart and good for our marriage.  

So I made a costume for Davis.  And it was only a little bit because I was concerned about what people would think and a little bit because I like to make things.  But really it was because as a child I spent hours devouring the scrapbooks and photo albums detailing costumes my mom made for me, and I remember feeling like the most important person in the world (Thanks Mom!).  And if Davis ever looks at his memory books, I want him to feel the same thing - desperately loved and as if he's the most important person in the world to his parents.  I think that's what God wants us to feel every day, and it's one way I believe He redeems being a perfectionist mom to reflect His glory.

ALIVENESS

I recently spent a week at my parent's house in Virginia. They live in a beautiful place - a little town at the base of the Blue Ridge Mountains. Growing up in the Shenandoah Valley, I had little idea how magnificent my surroundings were - I simply took them for granted. And it's not just the scenery. People in the Valley have a propensity toward kindness and gratitude. I'm confident that others might call them simple, but trust me, those country folk are on to something.

Moving to the "city" brought extreme culture shock. I remember feeling completely confused when people I encountered in my dorm hallway didn't smile and respond to my hello. It took some time of being away, but I really started to appreciate the place I grew up. But back to my visit...

Being back in Virginia, I was simply awestruck. Everywhere I looked, life appeared. And I'm not talking about it simply being spring, which of course, didn't hurt matters. I observed something more like ALIVENESS. I realize that's not a word, but it's what I felt like I was seeing. That ALIVENESS was confirmed in many different ways, one of which was a conversation with my Dad and niece, Brooke. Somehow we came to speak of her "Grandma Boo," who was desperately concerned for the safety of my sister (Brooke's Mom) who was on a cruise that week. Grandma Boo thinks it's a road trip to travel from Elkton to Harrisonburg (18 miles), so my sister traveling in a car, plane, and cruise ship terrified her. As Brooke spoke of Grandma Boo, she honored her with words like loving, caring, compassionate, selfless, kind, content, and grateful. Grandma Boo is 92, and is very much ALIVE. But the clarity that I observed in listening to Brooke boast on Boo was that she really is thankful for everything she has, and never complains. The best part of that is that her legacy has transferred on to her son, a man my Dad worked with for a number of years. People speak just as highly of him, as he literally lights up any room he enters. Boo and her son have limited material possessions, virtually no "wordly experience," and yet, unintentionally make everyone they encounter jealous because of their simple contentment. I was reminded of this:

Lights in the World

12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

14 Do all things without grumbling or disputing, 15 that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain.

In my mind, LIGHT may just as well mean ALIVE. We can see the difference between light and dark, or life and death, in people. We crave light. We crave alive.

As I was reading this morning, I came across a quote that stirred these thoughts and feelings once again.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is." -Albert Einstein

Boo lives her life as if everything is a miracle. My heart yearns to live that way. And I believe it's how we were made, to experience life throughs a lens of ALIVENESS, noticing the magic and majesty in even the most simple experiences. We've become all too satisfied in accepting a cheap imitation, or as Lewis put it, we're all too happy making mud pies in the slum because we can't fathom the joy in a holiday at sea.

It's a difficult transition, to go from numbness to aliveness, but looking for miracles is the place to start. Here I go.

To Sell or Not to Sell?

As I'm sure you can tell by my blog, I really enjoy crafting and creating things.  While this is great, as a simple hobby such freetime experiences drain our bank account and I'm looking for a way to make up for that.  Maybe even be profitable?

I've never sold anything on etsy, but I'm looking into it, so today's PinTest comes with a survey - how much profit (let's say in a percentage) would YOU have to make to deem it "worth your time" to sell something online?  Share your thoughts in the comments section below.  Here's one of the items I'm thinking of selling...

Tag blankets (sorry for the less than stellar photography - lighting inside is bad and it's only 15 degrees outside!)!